“My name is Hase - I live in the forest, and I know nothing.
I stay out of everything; I am, so to speak, politically neutral. If it benefits me, then I take a stand, preferably on the side of facts - because facts are usually golden. I believe that the far right and the far left should be banned - because the middle is, in itself, banned. As I said, that’s my opinion; I am, therefore, a realist - it’s comfortable, involves little risk, and, above all, it feeds me well.
But suppose I no longer lived in the forest, but in China; some stroke of luck or misfortune would have brought me there, let’s assume that; that would be terribly embarrassing, because, as we all know, everyone in China is Chinese - even the emperor is Chinese! I would stand out like a sore thumb because my name is Hase and I look like a German; people would recognize me immediately, even the children would stop in the street and shout, “It’s Hase!”
But I would know what to do - I would grow a long braid, change my German appearance, renounce my venerable name of Hase and call myself “Wukiutschu” - that’s what I would call myself. And if anyone called me “Hase!”, then I would be very angry.
Suppose I lived in Shanghai and my father still lived in the forest. I wouldn’t tell anyone about the forest - on the contrary! I would pretend that we had lived in Shanghai since time immemorial, and I would consider it an insult if anyone questioned this backstory. And hypothetically, suppose by chance the police chief in Shanghai died, or that he poisoned himself mortally by eating a golden toothpick that had been given to him as a gift; then, hypothetically, suppose all the Chinese cried out, “Wukiutschu shall be our leader!” I would then be the police chief of Shanghai and would not know how. Being police chief is a wonderful thing: you have power in your hands and can do with it as you please - that is, if the others put up with it. But they have to, don’t they? If they’re stupid enough to say, “Wukiutschu shall be our leader!”, then they’ll just have to be satisfied with me. And if anyone isn’t satisfied, I’ll help them along, because there are always dissatisfied people, as we all know. I will therefore give the decree:
“It is forbidden to be dissatisfied!”
- Wukiutschu
And then I will campaign to govern. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds; people will come and say:
”What does Wukiutschu want? He’s not one of us! Wukiutschu’s real name is Hase, and he used to live in the forest; he’s just pushed his way in here. We’ve been living on Chinese soil for a thousand years or more; our fathers cultivated this land and, when necessary, have defended its soil with their lives. Back then, Wukiutschu still lived in the forest, and now he acts as if he’s always been one of us! Down with him from the throne! China for the Chinese!”
That would be terribly embarrassing for me, of course - if someone cut off my braid, every child would see that these people are right - but that’s not possible, for I am the chief of police, after all, and as such I am entitled to respect. Therefore, I give the decree:
“Whoever calls me ‘Hase!’ again is inciting class warfare; I forbid it, and whoever breaks my law will be locked up!”
- Wukiutschu
And then I’ll have peace; I’ll shine in the dignity of my office, make the Chinese coolies stand at attention in front of me, receive great gifts, and attend every banquet; my pigtail will grow longer and longer, and soon no one will remember that I was once called Hase; those discontent with me will die out, and then discontent in general will become mere history - only then will life begin in beauty and dignity.
I am a pioneer in this art; you have to know nothing, like me, to be able to believe in it firmly and unshakably.
But as I said, this is all just hypothetical.
The Chinese would be pretty stupid if they believed that my name is Wukiutschu and made me their police chief; no, there aren’t people that stupid. It’s all just a fairy tale.
I’m not Chinese and I don’t live in Shanghai. My name isn’t Wukiutschu, it’s Hase.
I live in the forest and know nothing.